The Story of How Jeff and I met in 1989 and my life was forever changed my life.
NOTE: this is something I wrote back in 1989 (shortly after my 33rd birthday) and as I read back through it I realize there is some repetition due to having included journal entries etc… and also it definitely needs editing in other ways. Will work on all that as time presents. Meanwhile this is still a potent story about trusting our knowing and how the Universe operates in mysterious ways. Photo is me and Jeff in 1992. More photos at the end.

And just in case you aren’t familiar with me changing my name back in 2006, when I refer to me as Carolyn that was my birth name. Changing my name is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Here is more on why and how https://cayelincastell.com/name-changers-are-game-changers/

I am sharing this now in honor of Jeff’s passing on March 23, 2026. There is so much more to this story than what is here but this is a start and helps me appreciate the timing of how we met and the we spent together. Our divorce was final in 2006 and we didn’t stay in contact based on Jeff’s choice and how he disappeared from our lives as addicts often do. His addiction issues didn’t surface until many years into our marriage – a story for another time.

I am fascinated that Jeff chose his departure window within a couple of days of when we met 37 years earlier and I came across this story a few days later.

March 25, 1989 was a day that changed my life. It started out like any other day, and I did not know it would be one of the most significant days of my life.

It was a Saturday. At that time, I worked weekends as a leasing agent for several properties in the Tucson area, but this weekend was Easter Sunday. Saturday was still a workday, but Sunday I did not have to go work. Ginger, one of my closest friends at that time, had been asking me to go out to the bar scene to meet guys. I was hesitant. I didn’t have much confidence in my ability to enjoy a bar setting.

Ginger kept insisting that it was fun and I should try it. I had been reluctant to be in a situation where I might meet guys until I knew for sure in my heart that I was going to divorce my philandering husband. I had filed for divorce in November of 1988 and told my first husband, Tom, he had 60 days to prove to me he really wanted to stay married and take steps to repair the damage. 60 days is how long you have from the date of filing for divorce to the date the divorce can be final in the state of Arizona.

On my birthday, March 4, I knew. The events over the past year and 1/2 convinced me Tom had not changed, even though he promised he would. I knew the lie I had been living was not good for me or for my children. I wasn’t sure where to go from that point?

What was best for my children? They had been through enough pain already. We all needed to heal and feel good again. I asked Tom to move out. He was already spending his weeks at the cabin on Mount Lemmon (near Tucson) we had bought a few years before. He was home on the weekends to watch the children while I worked. It was not a good situation for any of us. I needed my space away from all the lies and hurt.

On March 17, l989, I visited a psychic I trusted. I wanted outside confirmation of my decision. I didn’t trust my own knowingness anymore. The things that I had believed in and thought were true had turned out to be an illusion. I had not regained any sense of balance, since the illusion had been toppled, I felt I needed extra guidance in making such an important life changing decision.

The knowingness that had been growing in my heart was confirmed by the psychic. The lingering doubts I had about going through with the divorce vanished. I went home more determined than ever. Tom had to move out as soon as possible.

I had approached the idea of Tom moving out as a necessary step in Tom proving to me that he could be faithful to me and make our marriage the top priority in his life. Tom was still trying to convince me that he loved me, and our marriage and family was his most important concern. I know I was reluctant to let go, and I knew Tom would never leave if I told him it was over and I was done – flat and final.

My night out with Ginger and Judy
Tom quickly found an apartment and was set to move out of the house on April 1. Meanwhile, Ginger asked me once again to go out with her on a Saturday night (March 25). First, we would go to a play “Steel Magnolias” something she had to see for a class she was taking at Pima College. After the play we would meet Ginger’s brother, and Judy (another friend of ours) at the Javelina Cantina.

Judy had lived in the neighborhood Ginger and I lived in. She moved to the far East side of town when she got divorced so I hadn’t seen her for almost two years. All this inspired me to agree to meet Ginger after work for our “night out.” I was surprised to find I was actually looking forward to it. To me, it was symbolic of me taking another step towards getting on with my life. I was nervous and excited.

Going to bars was not something I ever enjoyed doing in my younger years. So I decided it was time for me to take some risks, to be open to possibilities, without having any expectations I needed to drop my judgments about the ‘unholiness’ of the bar scene partly due to the trauma I experienced as a small child having to sit quietly in various bars with my parents or be sent to the car to sit in the dark if we (my younger sister and me) made any noise.

I decided my attitude for the evening would be to enjoy the adventure, stretch my boundaries, and allow myself to experience whatever happened as a celebration of the new person I was creating myself to be. I knew one night would not necessarily transform me from a shy, uncertain, vulnerable, woman/child, into a confident, worldly, invincible wild woman and yet I knew I had to start somewhere. The invitation to join Ginger for the evening out seemed like a good place to start as I was stepping into a new way of being.

Ginger and Judy were veterans of the bar scene. I was a novice and felt out of place. I was gratefully enjoying Ginger and Judy’s company as we talked and laughed over the times we had shared in a different time and place. It seemed ironic that three women, (all three of us were mothers – Judy was a mother of twins, like me, and we both had an older child all around the same age, so we shared that though all her children were daughters) who had met living in the same neighborhood doing motherly type things, taking walks and watching each others children when needed. Now we were sharing an evening that was so different from the times we had shared before.

Ginger was bold. I was shy. Stepping into a new way of being, I had decided earlier that day, I was going to go take risks. I was scared, but I didn’t want Ginger to know how chicken I was, so when she asked me to go with her to ask a couple of guys to dance, I did.

It turned out to be an easy thing to do. The guys watched us approach them and we didn’t even have to ask them to dance. I was grateful because I did feel awkward. I hadn’t danced much in the past several years and this was my first dance as a single woman (even though the divorce was not officially final yet).

After the dance, I found the courage to talk with the guy I had danced with. He wasn’t very talkative, which didn’t help. He did say he was in town for spring training with the Cleveland Indians. I wasn’t impressed and sensed right away that this was not a conversation I wanted to pursue. I decided to rejoin Judy and Ginger feeling good that I had taken the risk, even if it hadn’t worked out all that well. For me, it was a step forward.

As I stood chatting with Judy and Ginger I caught a glimpse of man in the periphery of my vision. I had a sense about this man that intrigued me. Meanwhile Ginger, who had had been a blossoming bundle of hormones over the past few months was checking out every guy in the place.

Jeff Walked By
She was looking for the right guy to ask to dance and making verbal observations to me about the various candidates. I usually kept my observations to myself, but in the spirit of adventure and stepping outside my boundaries, I decided to join Ginger’s game. A few moments later the man who had caught my eye earlier walked right in front of us. I immediately had a view of his backside and leaned over and whispered in Ginger’s ear “nice ass!” Much to my surprise, Ginger reacted instantly and kicked the back of his leg as he walked by. He spun around, looked straight at me and said, “Who did that!”

This was not something I had expected and was I totally unprepared. Without thinking and slipping into my previous shy self I said apologetically, “It wasn’t me. I am much too shy.” Ginger playfully admitted she had kicked him and asked him if he would like to dance. My heart sank as Ginger walked onto the dance floor with him.

I was unhappy with myself for not having had the courage to ask him to dance before Ginger did. Ginger was way more self-confident and willing to risk rejection. A few minutes later, they returned from the dance floor. Ginger saw someone she knew and excused herself.

Jeff, as he introduced himself, stayed and chatted with Judy and me. I found myself staring at Jeff. I wanted to ask him to dance, but I just couldn’t quite gather the courage. We talked for a few minutes. I was so absorbed in looking at him I don’t remember the conversation.

I was inwardly willing Jeff to ask me to dance, because I was too scared to ask him myself. At the same time, I was frantically searching my brain for some clever or easy way to ask him to dance with me. I was nearing internal panic mode when Jeff asked me to dance.

Relieved and quite happy, I followed him onto the dance floor. The song that was playing was a mix of Tone Loc’s two songs, Wild Thing and Funky Coal Medina. I was amused by Wild Thing as I was definitely being more wild (daring) than I had been in years or maybe ever? We exchanged information on the dance floor. He asked me what “I did” for work. I explained that I was a leasing agent for a property management company.

I enjoyed being able to say that, because for many years, I felt embarrassed to admit that I was a stay at home mom, as if that really didn’t count for much of a contribution to the world. I was grateful I got to be with my children in their younger years and because I got married and then pregnant before I finished college the only jobs I had up to that point had been hourly wages that didn’t pay much. My plan was to finish my college degree and find a career once all my children were in school. When I found out about Tom’s affair I decided to get my real estate license (in those days it only required 3 weeks of intensive course work and passing an exam to get your liscense) and that led to me being offered a job as a leasing agent.

Education on Dating
After the dance we walked back to where Judy was standing. Jeff gave me his business card with his home phone number written on the back. He made me promise I would call him. Then he asked me for my number, in case I was too shy to call him. Judy grabbed me and whispered in my ear, “Carolyn, you learn not to give guys your home number, give them your work number instead.”  I didn’t know what to do?

My job with the property management company was to rotate to at least three different properties, (occasionally I filled in on two other properties as well) giving the manager’s of those properties a day off. I worked three different properties consistently. I was at one property two days a week and the other two properties one day a week. I worked Saturday’s and Sunday’s and I had Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off.

I told Judy I had three different work numbers. She grabbed me and whispered in my ear that it was important to be careful. She knew from experience that it could be dangerous to give out your home number without getting to know a guy better. She gave me several other tips about meeting guys in a bar. Don’t dance a slow dance for the first dance with a guy. Don’t expect them to call you. Often when they sober up they realize they aren’t that interested. Always meet them for lunch first, before agreeing to go out to dinner.

Meanwhile, Jeff is pleading with me to give him my number. I was being pulled back and forth between Judy and her advice and Jeff and his insistence on having my phone number. Jeff said he was not above getting down on his knees and begging me for my phone number. Finally, Judy decided it would be okay for me to give Jeff my home number. She sensed he was good guy.

Once Jeff had his coveted prize, my phone number, he asked if I would like to dance again. I agreed and this time we danced to a slow song. When Jeff took me in his arms it seemed like the room whirled away and I was floating through a blissful expanse of space. I was no longer aware of the room, the music, all faded away.

The only thing I was aware of was Jeff holding me, and then he was kissing me and I nearly passed out from the intensity of emotion that brought up in me. I couldn’t remember when I had felt so wonderfully supercharged and peaceful at the same time. I did not anticipate meeting someone who was going to affect me so profoundly.

I am not sure how much more time passed before it was time for the bar to close. We had rejoined Judy and Ginger and Jeff asked if we would all like to go to breakfast?

Later that Night
Judy had to get home to her baby-sitter. Ginger decided she had to get home as well. Jeff’s ride had left earlier and he needed a ride back to his car. I agreed to drive Ginger to her car and Jeff asked me to join him for breakfast and then I could take him to his car.

Following my intent to go outside what I would normally do I said yes. We went to Coco’s for breakfast. I was amazed at how comfortable I felt with Jeff. We sat close together and cuddled and talked. I told him right up front that I was in the middle of a divorce and I was the mother of three children. He was astonished. He didn’t think I looked old enough to be a mother at all – much less to have three children.

He thought I was a co-ed, about 21 or so. I was thrilled. I told him I was much older. He said I couldn’t be older than 25. I said, “Keep going”. Jeff said 27? 28? 29? and I said “Keep going”  Jeff said I couldn’t be older than 30. I said, “Keep going”. Jeff finally reached 33 and I said “yes.”  He said, “No way, you can’t possibly be that old.” He was sincerely amazed. I was quite pleased. I assured him I was thirty-three and offered to show him my driver’s license when he still didn’t believe me.

Jeff was 28 turning 29 on April 18. I wondered if he would mind dating an older woman? He said he had dated several older women. I wondered if he objected to a woman with three children? He acted like that was no big deal at all to him.

Easter Sunday
I wanted him to know that I was still in the process of getting divorced. I wasn’t hiding anything from him. The attraction we felt for each other was overpowering. I couldn’t remember when, or if I had ever felt so excited being with someone. We sat and talked another 3 hours. It was late and I had to get home so I could play Easter Bunny for my children. I found it difficult to say good night to Jeff. We finally managed to part and I got home about 4:30 in the morning.

I ran around and hid all the Easter eggs, and the Easter baskets and went to bed. 90 minutes later the kids were up and so excited. They woke me up and I immediately felt charged remembering my evening with Jeff. I was pleasantly sleepy, and I watched the kids excitedly look for their Easter Eggs.

Tom was at the house. I had moved his things upstairs months before. He watched the kids on the weekends while I was at work. He knew I had come in very late the night before. I know he wasn’t happy about it, but I didn’t offer any explanations. I got the kids breakfast and began to feel the lack of sleep take over my body. Tom offered to take the kids to a movie. I thought that was a great idea and said I was going back to bed.

As soon as Tom and the kids left, I decided to be daring and call Jeff. It was completely contrary to my shy nature to do such a thing, but I was still in a risk-taking mood, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I got his answering machine, so I left a message. I felt a little envious that he was still asleep at 11:00 A.M. and I had been up since 6 A.M. In the message I told him I had a wonderful time the night before, that I was going to try and take a nap, but he could call me back if he liked.

A few minutes later the phone rang and it was Jeff. He was amused that I had called him after all the begging he had done to get my phone number the night before.

Our First Lunch Together
I told Jeff the different days and different places I worked, and he said he would try to stop by to see me. Two days later, on Tuesday he came strolling into my office. I was so excited to see him, and I surprised myself again by jumping up from my desk and greeting him with hugs and kisses. Jeff responded with the same enthusiasm. It seemed so natural. I felt like Jeff and I had always known each other. I had never been so comfortable and at ease with someone I was so attracted to. I kept surprising myself with, what for me, was bold behavior.

Jeff asked me if I would like to go to lunch with him. We went to La Fuente. Again, I was amazed at how easily I could talk to him, and how good I felt being with him.

I hadn’t been able to concentrate on much of anything since I met Jeff. On Thursday March 30, 1989 I wrote in my journal while working at El Jardin at 3:35 p.m. Rereading my last entry and the shift in my feelings was illuminating. Later that night I was to discover how completely my feelings had shifted. Strong and centered knowing what had to happen with Tom going forward. I had no lingering doubts – that has always caused me to waver before – I felt the events that happened outside of me were a reflection of what had been taking place inside of me.

Moving On from My First Marriage
I had finally reached the point where I could completely release Tom with love and not feel panic and dread engulfing me. That’s always been my downfall before. It was scary to consider being a single mother of three young children (Ryan was age 6 and Ian and Jenna were age 4). I had waivered before because I did not have enough self-confidence or trust in myself. The attachment to Tom was such a strong habit that was part of my survival program. Habits are so hard to break even when you know they are destroying you. But the strength had been gathering, my determination to lead a life more in line with my hopes and dreams, to feel happier inside, I knew I had to move Tom out of my life for that to happen.

Part of my resistance was having to give up on my marriage to Tom and I’m not a quitter. However, the last many months had been major misery for me. So finally, I had moved to the point where I could stay strong, not let Tom talk me out of what I knew was right and best.

I was telling my Mom on the phone that fateful Saturday morning (March 25) how good I felt about the decision to go through with the divorce, etc. And that night Jeff walked into my life. The feelings that he enlivened in me took me by total surprise.

Rebound Response?
In my journal I asked: Maybe this is just a rebound response? If so – then why didn’t Michael have that effect on me? Or Martin? Or Ray? They had all expressed an interest in me. Still it might be partially a rebound response. But they why when I danced with Doug at MIU in 1988 did I enjoy it but it was just fun – with Jeff I felt transported into another dimension. I literally wasn’t sure of where I was – the energy, the feelings were running so high. I felt dizzy and lightheaded – I felt like the whole universe was inside me and I was free-falling through it.

I was having trouble concentrating or focusing on anything. At night sleep seemed so elusive. I would drift off – have strange dreams and wake up and be immediately aware of intense sensations pulsing through my whole body. It seemed like hours before I would drift off again.

It’s been so long – was I like this when I met Tom? I can’t remember. I can’t feel anything like this for Tom now. The contrast is revealing. In Jeff’s presence I feel like I am transcending in waking state. The bliss is right there. No, I have never had anything like this with anyone else, ever.

My mind says to be careful. I’m an easy target for setting myself up to get hurt. Wide open and vulnerable. But how can that be? Why aren’t my feelings more guarded and protected after all I have been through? It doesn’t make any logical sense. I have been basically alone for so many years. I have been alone physically and emotionally more often than not. I think I am stronger and more sensible than I’m feeling. I am hoping so anyway!

Maybe I am just an incurable Romantic and no matter how many times my heart gets tromped on I’ll be open to getting involved from a deep heart level before I have a chance to know or understand what has hit me. Probably a basic character flaw? But I am eternally the optimist, full of high ideals and dreams.

There is nothing I can do about the way I feel. What I can control is what I do, what I choose to do! Theoretically speaking that is, as long as I’m not so overshadowed by my emotions and I lose track of reason altogether. It is mostly likely too late for that. So, surrender and let the events unfold as they may.

Jeff is in my life for a reason. I hope it’s a happy reason. I feel happy when I’m thinking about him or talking to him or with him. It must be good! At least from a feeling point of view, it’s excellent!

I know I can analyze things to death. I can be impulsive, ignore warnings, and jump headlong into disaster as well. Let heart and mind balance (as Pat Hayward put it when doing a vedic astrology session – a gift from my Mom in 1988). That’s so easy to say and not always so easy to do.

Especially for someone like me who gets completely overwhelmed by my feelings…though one never knows until they take a risk. Gary Wolf and I were talking about risks just last Saturday before I went out. Interesting how this all falls together – sometimes it’s easier to see the infinite intelligence behind the events and occurrences in our lives. Ultimately, there are no mistakes. Just lessons that we teach ourselves. Seems like I have been slow getting some of them.

Madonna’s new song describes the feeling. ‘When I call your name it’s like a little prayer…In the midnight hour, I can feel your power…’ I suspect it has more to do with a personal growth experience than a relationship experience – the two maybe interrelated – one the catalyst for the other and vice versa – but I can definitely relate from some level of my being!

I can relate because the feelings I have felt for Jeff transcended anything I had ever felt before. My whole being is blown away in a way I can’t explain and don’t fully understand.  I kept trying to be logical about it. I kept trying to keep my senses about me, rather than fully give into the experience.

Jeff called me every night that week. We made plans to go out on Saturday night. The date happened to be April 1. Jeff and I talked on the phone for several hours every night leading up to April 1. We had so much to say to each other. we had a hard time saying good night and hanging up the phone. Just thinking about Jeff sent electric rushes through my body. Talking to him on the phone was a definite high. I thought Saturday would never arrive.

I had to work from 9-5 on Saturday at El Jardin, an Apartment Complex on Alvernon. Tom was moving the rest of his things out of the Holly Brook house, and I told him to plan to spend the night at his new apartment with the kids. Instinctively, I felt Tom would not cooperate in completing his move, if he knew I had a date with someone.

Saturday dragged on. I was nervous and excited all day long. I spent some time writing in my journal to help pass the time. I wrote:

Resistance!
Resisting myself, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my perceptions, my understanding, my potential! I was walking back toward the office a few minutes ago thinking about wind, allergies, March, April, how I have suffered in the past and how maybe, just maybe I am not suffering so much right now! Why? Because I’m not resisting as strongly!  That was my flash. The resistance is noticeably less. 

I feel like I’m going with the flow a lot more easily. Just reading back through the past three months and how I was struggling with big issues. Acceptance, and death, are the two main ones I can remember. The death of a marriage. Or maybe more accurately the acceptance of the death of a marriage. The marriage died long ago, I just hadn’t faced it or accepted it.

The opposite of acceptance is resistance. 

So, I have been resisting life in general. Now I am coming around to accepting the situation and I’m feeling happier, easier, more content inside. It’s been a slow gradual change, a slow very painful change. In some ways it seems sudden, but it’s just the last hard vestiges of resistance melting away and the change seems dramatic. It’s not really. Interrupted..

Hmmmm…Lost track of where I thought I was going with this. It’s been fun showing apartments this afternoon. Is it the change in me?  I feel so much more relaxed and I notice that the people are much more responsive. Even though most of them are looking for Apartments way down the road. One couple didn’t need an apartment for another 5 or 6 months. It’s good practice for me anyway. An area I have always felt is a weakness for me is the shyness factor that tends to creep in, depending on my perception of myself at the moment I have surprised myself a lot lately.

Gaining some ground on how I perceive myself. It’s getting healthier and I can see that reflected in every area of my life. Some places more strongly than others. I ‘m not fighting myself so much – not resisting! The fighting or resisting sometimes has been so subtle I haven’t been aware of it all.

Now I can look back and see that it was definitely there. It takes on such crafty disguises – like responsibility, making things okay for everyone else, at the expense of letting things be okay for me in the name of motherhood, friendship, employee, whatever. Well certainly there are responsibilities, commitments, we keep as a way of being right with ourselves and the world, but I know I can overdo it in ways that cost me.

Hopefully I am coming from a place of wholeness and love now. Moving out of feeling stuck, used, trapped or whatever. Not the best description – but something like that.  I guess I’m thinking about keeping commitments that are no longer necessary to keep, especially if there is a high price (i.e. loss of self-worth) involved.

It was the game I chose to play. And I’m sure I’ll be sorting out the lessons for a long, long, time to come.

My perceptions can change from day to day, sometimes from moment to moment. So, I’m attempting to become less critical, judgmental, dogmatic, in my beliefs. I can see huge strides on this one. Still, I can fall into the traps fairly easily and I’m sure life will keep testing me till I get to the point where I can be totally accepting. 

All that I perceive is an extension of myself and if I’m judging it – I’m judging creation, myself, the divine intelligence that set this whole illusion up. Maybe as human beings we never really evolve to the point where we can be 100% judgement free. Probably more like 99 & 3/4 % – after all this is the relative world – the world of boundaries!  The world where we attempt to experience the boundless within the boundaries – quite a dichotomy eh?”

Our First Official Date
I wrote in my journal to distract me from thinking about Jeff as I sat in the leasing office and waited for residents to come ask questions or potential renters to see apartments. So I had lots of time to obsess on Jeff and journaling helped me to do less of that. Still, I found myself thinking about him all the time. I liked how I felt when I would think about him. I felt addicted to the feelings that thoughts of Jeff would conjure up. I was amazed that I could be so obsessed with someone I had just met and only had a breakfast and lunch date with.

Jeff said he would meet me at 5 o’clock at El Jardin and show me the way to his apartment.   Would 5 o’clock ever arrive? I ran to the bathroom several times, in response to the nervous excitement I was feeling. Miraculously the workday was coming to an end and Jeff finally showed up. He was a few minutes late. He missed the turn into El Jardin and had to circle back. He wasn’t sure if it was really the place.

I must have run to the bathroom 3 times in the last 5 minutes before Jeff arrived. Seeing him again must of double my blood pressure. I could feel my heart pounding and my blood racing.  The physical effect this man had on me was intense. Wonderfully intense. Later I learned it was the same for Jeff, being close to each other had us both highly charged.

We went to Jeff’s apartment (off River near Craycroft) to relax and it was amazing. We spent a lot of time kissing, hugging, and general cuddling. I was in bliss. It seemed like I dropped into, or was elevated up to, another dimension of experience. Difficult to describe. Beyond any words that I can think of to really capture the experience. The closest I could come to is it was a feeling of transcending, of experiencing unbounded bliss.

I felt like I was as expanded as the Universe and yet I was in my body experiencing feelings and sensations I had never felt as clearly or intensely before. I couldn’t remember ever feeling as happy, content, or safe as I did when I was with Jeff. True to life’s form, I also felt confused and uncertain about the feelings that Jeff was bringing up in me. More on that later.

Jeff took me out to eat at a restaurant called Cafe Terra Cota. I couldn’t stop staring at him and grinning from ear to ear. Luckily for me Jeff couldn’t stop staring at me or grinning from ear to ear either.

We both felt contented and happy to be in each other’s presence. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We couldn’t take our eyes off each other.

I had the best evening I could ever remember. We spent the night together and I didn’t go home until 4 o’clock in the afternoon. If truth be told I didn’t want to go home, but Jeff had things to do and I needed to get back to the kids.

When I arrived at home, Tom was there with the kids. He had moved his stuff out to his new apartment and was waiting for me to get home so he could finish getting settled into his new place. I think I floated in on the clouds. I was pre-occupied with thoughts of Jeff. Tom must have picked up on something. He said, “You didn’t come home last night.”  I was surprised and taken off guard.

I said, “Why did you stay here last night?” He replied that he had and so I knew there was no point in denying it. He tried to be cool about it at the time.

A few days later Tom came storming into the house yelling at me that I could not see Jeff anymore or our marriage was over and besides that I was a married woman and couldn’t be seeing someone else.

I told him that our marriage was over and he couldn’t tell me what to do! He insisted again that we were still married and I could not be seeing anyone else. My response was, “And what have you been for the past four years?” Referring to his four-year affair with Ruth.

I had filed for divorce in November almost 5 months ago. I had given him more than four months to prove to me he could live by his marriage vows before I decided to go through with the divorce. He had not been able to do so. I did not feel that I was doing anything wrong. The marriage was over, and the only thing left to do was divide the community property and sign the papers.

My decision had been made, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had made the right choice. Jeff’s entry into my life so quickly after I had finally decided to go through with the divorce was proof to me that I had made the right decision.

I felt like Jeff was a sign from the Universe. Now I knew what real happiness was in a relationship. I would never be able to settle for less. That was Jeff’s gift to me. To show me the possibilities. AND I thought Jeff was a transitional man for me.

My journal writing at the time captures some of what I was going through at the time.

April 3, 1989, Monday, 11:30 am
So many intense confused feelings and I want to sort them out. I have been suddenly aware how my self-worth issues are still very tender. Much more so than I had realized. Ugh! These things don’t change simply because we recognize them. Someone can tell me I am a worthwhile person and I may believe that in the moment but something may happen in the next moment that hurts and leaves me feeling doubtful and scared.

This is placing perception of myself outside myself – no more like placing importance of what I perceive others perceive me as – outside myself. This makes no sense unless I can come up with a good example and maybe I can.

I have so many conflicting feelings going on here, from the different events in my life that I am not so sure where some of these feelings start and stop in a specific situation or carry over into another. As I am thinking about my example, I realize that it isn’t entirely these events that has triggered this but it’s more a culmination of many events. I hope this will be sorted out as I write…

It was being with Jeff. I want to go more into that but for now I want to understand the situation of my self-worth being challenged – the panic and deeply scared feelings I am having. It’s easier to be alone. It’s easier not to deal with anyone else, their needs, desires, thoughts or feelings. It’s easier but it’s not much fun to always be alone. YES, I like being alone. I need it. But only so much alone time and then I need to be with someone else. See myself through another reflection. I might need it too much. Or I allow myself to feel it too deeply.

So back to being with Jeff. After I left – I felt a great deal of fear. Maybe I said too much, maybe I was too overwhelmed, maybe he would just back off completely and break my heart. I didn’t feel at all confident that his feelings for me were strong enough to allow him to stay involved in my life. I felt worried that my feelings for him were too involved.

I was seeing the whole thing as if it were from 2 extremes. I am so wide open. I may need to learn how to draw in. Not let someone affect me so deeply, so fast! Is it possible for me? How do I do that? I want to draw back – I want to cry – I have cried. It’s the fear of being abandoned. Not being good enough, feeling like it’s my fault for caring so much and not from an easy place either. It’s a bruised, badly beaten place. A place that’s willing to be bruised again and again!  Or appears to be – maybe it’s just the habit and I need to learn to break the habit. 

Learning to be happy inside myself – and learning to recognize that I am happy. I am learning to do that – small steps at a time. The trap, the illusion is feeling happy and attaching it to an outside source. That’s what being with Jeff has been for me. I have felt very happy. I see deep inside of Jeff. A strong, loving being. Capable of transforming ignorant life into a fuller more loving life. 

I have felt his tremendous power, and it has affected me deeply. I doubt he is fully consciously aware of what he is capable of. I was seeing past the surface stuff – places where I could get hung up and make judgements – I was able to see past that according to my standards. And they are really insignificant or significant depending upon your chosen values or perceptions at the time. Jeff has been a great teacher for me already. I started to say this to him but he didn’t seem to be receptive. Or so that was my judgement, or insecurity.

I don’t think he is consciously aware of his power, of his ability and of the higher purpose he is serving here. I’d love to be a catalyst to the beginning of that journey for him. I’m scared. I don’t want to tread where I’m not supposed to tread. WOW, am I suffering from lack of self-confidence, or what? Lack of self-confidence and patience.

Jeff opened my awareness in a big way. I want to be a part of that for a while longer – I’m afraid it might be taken away. So, how can I be unattached and accepting? That’s my challenge. That’s what I must accomplish. And I will!”

Obviously, my mind and heart had been reeling from the overpowering effect Jeffrey had on me that first weekend we spent together. I tried to look at my relationship with Jeff as logically as possible.

On Tuesday April 4, 1989 I wrote this in my journal:

“Whew! Feeling blown away. I was working on feeling detached from Jeff and almost noticing some progress. Then he called last night and his voice, his words…I have been super charged ever since.

Tom came storming in last night, demanding that I never see Jeff again. I told him he couldn’t tell me what to do. Tom was really hurting – said he finally understood how I felt all this time.  Now he was really ready to try and put the marriage back together. He’s too late!

I re-read a 20 page story today getting ready to send it to my Sister and I was struck by how many times Tom has said he was really ready to try and put the marriage back together. I saw the pattern. The letter he wrote me in November 1988 that I included in the story was his exact words on this matter. The letter went:

Dear Carolyn,
I love you and I am sorry. These must seem like hollow words after all the crap I’ve pulled on you. I just had a dream about how disgusting I have been. How ugly and insulting it has been for you. But me – I just go on being stuck. It happened sort of by accident – but then I figured what the hell – it’s already happened – I’m already guilty – and there was this very demanding woman – and I just resigned myself, quite a long time ago – to the fact that I was stuck.

 I couldn’t get unraveled from her, but I wasn’t about to leave the family – so I just accepted it as life and rode it out…

To me – it happened once – it lasted a hell of a long time – but it only happened once – not time after time the way you describe it. I know you’re still here only because you have nowhere to go – the kids and all. But listen I know this is where I belong. I know I love you and you love me. We are not splitting. I’ve decided it and I declare it and that settles it. End of letter.

The letter was a triggering factor to me seeing how Tom had said all this before. I am just not buying it this time. Even if it’s true, the damage is irreparable at this point. My feelings changed a long time ago. Before I met Jeff.

Yes, I know I am pretty overwhelmed by Jeff. I want to be easy with that and enjoy it – not fight it and get to overshadowed either. Challenging, yes! But I know in my heart Jeff or not Jeff, Tom is out of the picture. He had his chances. He blew it and I can never go back. Especially not now that I know I can be affected in a wonderful way by a man. Not feeling inadequate, like I felt with Tom but truly appreciated.

It’s a new feeling for me, a new experience and I now know I can never settle for less, now that I have been spoiled. Tom’s actions killed my feelings for Tom, not Jeff, or anyone else. Rereading the story reminded me of that.

My next date with Jeff was not until the following Saturday, April 8. We talked every night on the phone. We talked for many hours. Sometimes until midnight or after. I remember laying on the couch switching the phone from ear to ear as one ear got to sore for me to keep holding the phone to it, I would switch to the other ear. I loved to hear Jeff’s voice. I felt safe, happy, content, warm and thrilled. It was difficult for either of us to say goodnight.

When we finally did manage to end our conversation, I would snuggle down in my bed with one of the kids big teddy bears, hold it close and think about Jeff as I fell asleep. I was amazed that he had walked into my life and turned on so many feelings in such a short time.

Friday April 7, l989 10:30 am Journal entry
I am reading Stalking the Wild Pendulum again. Great Book. The author says we are all made up of Oscillating energy fields. When two fields are resonating near the same frequency, they begin to rhythm entrain each other creating a constructive interference pattern and eventually resonating at the same level.

Thinking about Jeff. Something I seem to be doing with no intention or effort – my thoughts just keep drifting to him and the happiness I feel in connection with him. How I feel so energized and peacefully happy in connection with him. We must be somehow resonating, rhythm entraining each other, creating a constructive interference pattern that has created the sensation of being in phase. 

I feel enhanced in his presence. It’s scary because I know I am feeling attached. Ummm attached may not be the best word. Drawn to Jeff – so drawn to him and I don’t understand what that means. I am nervous about getting hurt, but I’m to drawn in. I am too magnetized to ignore the impact it’s having on me.

I hope this won’t be a painful lesson for me. So far, it’s been wonderful. The electro-magnetic oscillating energy fields are going crazy! To be rhythm entraining to ecstatic levels of expression – the joy is being felt thru out creation and that has to be good. Feels good to me anyway.

And the contrast – I’m so struck by the contrast. I realized with a previously unrealized clarity the effect Tom has had on me all these years has been draining. I always feel so tired and frustrated around Tom. Tom’s tremendous back log of fatigue has been syphoning off my energy reserves. No wonder I have had such a tuff time accomplishing anything around him.  NO wonder I feel better and get more done when he is not around.

Jeff energizes me. I feel happy! Not just happy but a deep sense of easiness and joy that amazes me. Did I ever feel that with Tom? I can’t remember. I remember manufacturing ideals around Tom and being in love with those ideals. 

Jeff isn’t attempting to be any of those ideals. He doesn’t even know about them – yet. That’s good because I know I am not feeling overwhelmed by an illusion of what I think he is. I am overwhelmed by something that doesn’t make any logical sense. That could be dangerous in the long run, and I do feel worried about my ability to respond appropriately in the most life-supporting manner for maximum growth for all concerned.

What if I am just being consumed by lust and passion. No! I would be surprised if that’s the case. Certainly, those feelings are there but its more than that. I haven’t clicked so easily with that many guys. If I haven’t clicked, I haven’t been able to stay interested. Part of that incurable romantic character flaw. 

Looking back there was Randy White – so in love with me. He was good looking but I just didn’t feel attracted to him. There was Mike Kubick, Bill Beres and others I have forgotten their names now of whom I couldn’t feel for them what they felt for me. I never meant to break anyone’s heart. I just couldn’t be with someone for the sake of being with them if I didn’t feel something on a deep level. Even all my men friends I feel close and connected to (without the sexual feelings and without being attached) I appreciate but am not interested in having a love relationship with them.

With Jeff it’s definitely powerful sexual feelings and more. We seem to enhance each other’s energy and deep-down good feelings. That is how I experience it anyway and I find it addicting. I only say addicting because I dread the idea of losing it.

I am not clear on what is a healthy reaction and what is not. I’m not clear on how to be responding in the healthiest way. I think it has to do with when I would start to compromise who I am and what I want for another person and then feel miserable as a result – that’s the mistake I made before. It’s what I need to watch out for! 

I know I can love from very deep levels in very encompassing ways. It’s major intense. I need someone who can handle that and reciprocate it with about the same intensity. I wonder if that’s even possible. Maybe if I can learn to be healthy about it – it is possible! I just seem to be suffering from some doubts. It has been such a strong desire for so long and seemed so unattainable. 

Part of me knows that just because I wasn’t able to attain it before, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Part of me is worried that it’s me. Its something I have to deal with – change or transform within me. I am still sorting this out as I discover what is going on within me. Meanwhile Jeff has opened my feelings up to all kinds of wonderful experiences. He is a powerful being that resonates well with me. 

It seems like that’s all I can know for right now. I need to be patient and watch the process unfold and gain as much understanding about myself, about Jeff, and about us, as I can. And enjoy myself at the same time. Like I told Jeff – it’s a pleasant confusion. It’s more than a pleasant confusion – in many ways it is a wildly satisfying confusion!

The worried thoughts come up but have no lasting impact because the happy contented feelings are much stronger and more fun to entertain. Wildly satisfying, ummmmmmmmmm…

Originally A Short Term Relationship
The next weekend, Jeff and I talked about our temporary or short-term relationship. Ultimately, Jeff wanted someone in his life he could have a family with. I was very clear about already having my family and not wanting to go through all of that again.

I was just getting out of a miserable marriage and I wasn’t looking for anything long-term. Especially, if it would involve me having more children. Jeff seemed like a regular guy to me. I had spent most of my life in unusual, beyond typical, spiritual pursuits. I wanted someone who would enthusiastically share in my pursuits and who could even stretch my current knowledge even further. I wanted a life partner that would support me and participate with me around the things that were important to me.

Jeff and I concluded that this was a short-term relationship, and that we both wanted to participate in it, knowing it would end. Jeff encouraged me to date other people. He didn’t think it would be a good idea if we were exclusive with each other, especially knowing our relationship was going to end in a few months. I knew Jeff was right, but my heart ached when he was telling me to date other people. I felt a huge heaviness, and I know I was fighting back tears when I said good-bye to him that day.

I spent the rest of the day trying to convince my heart, what my head knew made good sense. I wrote several pages at work about the whole thing and decided to call Jeff and tell him that I was really okay with it, even though I know I didn’t look okay when we parted earlier that day.

When I got to work, I wrote Jeff this letter:

April 9, 1989, Sunday
This isn’t the letter I was telling you I had in mind to write to you. I got the inspiration for this on my way to work after leaving you. I am wanting to understand what’s going on with me and I want to put this in writing so maybe you’ll understand as well.

I didn’t feel like I was doing a good job of explaining myself to you (this morning) or to myself. I hope this will work better.

I am feeling so many feelings in connection with all that’s happening in my life. I’m not saying, what I’m about to say, for sympathy or pity but for understanding. It’s the trend I have experiencing and am attempting to change. The events of the last several years have challenged my self-image. I gave my heart away and it got smashed. I don’t ever want to make that mistake again, and yet I’m feeling very challenged in this area regarding you.

In so many ways you’re so perfect! Just what I need or would like to experience in a man. I see a caring, fun, easy, happy, loving honest man in you. One that resonates very intensely with me. For months I have been thinking I need a relationship with someone who has all your qualities, with someone who could nurture the passion that’s been so neglected inside of me. 

A relationship that was fun, easy, and would not be endanger of developing into a long-term relationship. I envisioned this. I have wanted it and it’s been given to me. I just didn’t expect to be quite so overwhelmed. The contrast to the neglect and hurt I have felt has left me more vulnerable than I would like to be.

When I feel cared about, I think I start running patterns of disbelief that it could be real.  Patterns of fear that it’s not real and I’ll be ignored, forgotten, abandoned. It has nothing to do with you! These are my issues, my insecurities. I’m feeling panic and fear that I’ll get to attached, I’ll get hurt. Should I stop now? I’m already hurting at the idea! Would it hurt more later? Am I running away from a good opportunity to face these fears and deal with them? Am I heading for bigger hurt later?

That was the end of the letter and I don’t know that I ever gave it to him? When I got home from work Jeff called me. He was concerned I wouldn’t want to date him anymore after he had given me his speech about dating other people and being a short-term relationship. The truth was he didn’t want another guy touching me.

Worse than the thought of me dating anyone else, was the thought that I wouldn’t want to date him anymore. The more Jeff poured out his concerns, the more I felt myself slide deeper into the loving feelings growing inside of me for him. I began to realize it was too late for me to ever be able to walk away from Jeff.  When it came time for this relationship to end, it would be Jeff who would have to end it.

I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but my heart was already way ahead of my rational thinking mind. No matter how hard I tried to be rational and logical about this relationship, my heart only knew one truth. Being with Jeff was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I found myself assuring Jeff that I still wanted to date him. I loved spending time with him, and I wasn’t ready to give that up. I think Jeff and I both felt much better after our conversation. The next day at work I wrote Jeff this letter:

Monday April 10, 1989
Here’s the letter I was telling you about. I have had more layers of understanding since I talked to you. I know, I am such a complicated person! Really what I want is quite simple but somehow things get so complicated in the process of attempting to achieve that. (I lost that train of thought due to being interrupted at work…)

Something I want you to understand is that I have a lot of tears inside of me. I have suffered the loss of a dream. I have suffered the loss of a certain type of structure in my life. I was listening to a tape on Loss, Laughter, and Tears. Crying is a great healing process. It allows the body to release the hurt, the grief, the unhappy feelings. It’s cleansing to the system.

Repressed tears cause illness in the body. Statistics show that a large percentage of people diagnosed with cancer usually suffered a loss (loved one, or marriage, etc.) 14 to 18 months prior to the diagnosis. The person for whatever reason did not mourn or express their grief – from either their choice or from pressure from society to be strong! The repressed feelings get stored physically. So crying is good. Crying is healthy. Crying is a necessary part of the healing process. 

Being with you Jeff has been so great for me. So many factors were working together this weekend and triggered some very deep-rooted feelings of loss. It wasn’t so much what you were saying to me, and it was. My intellectual understanding was fine. My heart reacted to the loss. To what felt like a loss, another loss on top of so many losses already – no logic in the world could stop the deep-rooted hurts from grasping the opportunity to find their way out. 

It wasn’t so much what you were saying that scared me, but the sense that you were much more emotionally unattached than I was feeling. 

Another contrast in my perception and I felt so foolish. That I had cared too much and had acted unwisely getting caught up in something I should have resisted from the start. No, I know I couldn’t have resisted it because it was so overpowering! I did feel foolish and vulnerable. 

I was going to learn to deal with the intensity of what I was feeling in a healthier way. Not run away completely but back down. Maybe go out with Ginger and Judy more often, etc. I couldn’t think of the idea of not seeing you at all anymore, but I didn’t want to be a pest either. It was still feeling like a loss but not quite so big and I was feeling better when I talked to you.

After talking to you I felt immensely better inside. What you said to me was not what I was expecting to hear from you! I’m happy to say I was relieved to know that you had been worried about me, and you wanted to see me, and you cared about me! I had been so scared that all I had been feeling for you had been one-sided. I was wondering how I could have not seen that or felt it. I was afraid I had dreamed up the whole thing from my side and over-reacted and I was needing to be brought back to reality. It was an icky feeling.

I know from very deep levels of my being that we couldn’t be a long-term relationship. We have everything for that on some level, but I have learned after 11 years of compromising in a marriage there are certain things that just can’t be compromised. The price is too big.

You want a family and I already have one. That’s the most obvious stumbling block. There are others but this may be the most obvious and important. I can accept that. I know what I want in the ideal relationship – is what I experience with you on deep feeling levels.

I think we have a lot to teach each other and a lot to learn from each other, so when we do meet our ideal mates, we will be better able to fully appreciate and participate in that relationship. It will be hard when it ends and it would be hard for me now…I would much rather put it off until later. I just need to stay centered and keep the big picture in mind. 

It’s a challenge to my loving heart. One I need to accept and deal with. Today I was thinking about the difference between love and infatuation. I decided that for me there is no such thing as infatuation. It sounds like its discounting feelings, chalking them up to a phenomenon. 

For me, what I’m feeling is real. So, I defined a new way of looking at it. Love is not one thing! It’s many ways of expressing and caring. I love my family and friends. I feel different kinds of love for them, but they are all so important to me. Then there are “in love” feelings – or infatuation as some would call it. I find I really dislike that term.

For me it’s “in love” the feelings may not be lasting but they are real while they last. It’s wonderful and it hurts and its good! But there is another level to consider. People may be “in love” often but not experience TRUE LOVE – because TRUE LOVE would be right on every level of life. If there were any compromises it wouldn’t be True Love. Major sacrifices would create the foundation for unhappiness to grow. I know from experience. 

Based on this definition I know I am “in love” with you. Expressing and feeling love that celebrates and enhances life is a positive growth experience and helps to set up constructive oscillating energy matrixes that effects the entire creation in a wonderful way. As long as it flows, as long as it feels good, I want to be a part of it. I want to keep it in perspective and be healthy about it. That’s my challenge. It’s important to go with what feels right and supportive.

Pondering what feelings I went through with Jeff it seems amazing to me that I actually lived through such a complicated emotional time. My mind was telling me to be logical, and practical. My heart was overwhelming me with incredible feelings of love, and passion, mixed in with the frustrations of dealing with the crazed ex-husband who was more determined than ever to make sure my life wouldn’t work. I was somewhat protected from Tom’s emotional gyrations, having much more wonderful feelings and events to be distracted by.

Attachment and Acceptance.
I decided that one of the issues I was working on was Attachment and Acceptance. My attachments were keeping me from being able to accept myself, my life, the events that were taking place with the ease and grace that I wanted to accept these things.

I wrote in my journal about these realizations, that my attachments to ideals, things, people, feelings, life in general was keeping me from truly knowing myself. It was keeping my attention connected or focused outside of myself.

I reminded myself of a good friend’s favorite saying, “Accept whatever comes unasked…accept it, experience, own it and be free of it. Reject it and it stays connected to us through the energy required to reject it. That energy allows what we are rejecting to find us again and again, until we can accept it. Acceptance is the key to release.” I must have made some strides towards genuine acceptance, as the events that unfolded later indicated.

The time I spent with Jeff was my port in the emotional storms Tom was conjuring. When I couldn’t spend time with Jeff I felt lonely and empty. We had known each other less than a month and already he was a much bigger part of me than I thought was safe or wise.

On the weekend nights I couldn’t be with Jeff, I kept myself busy going out with Judy and Ginger. They were fun company. We would get the giggles and I would feel the tense emotions relax, momentarily forgetting the challenges I was facing in my life as the changes were taking place.

I had to be strong for my children. They were confused and hurting. Tom’s attempts to punish me by disappearing, in effect was deserting and punishing his kids. Seeing their pain and confusion about his behavior hurt me more than his childish reaction. Tom figured if he didn’t show up to visit the kids, I wouldn’t be able to go out and lead the wildly crazy life he perceived me to be leading.

I went out anyway. Babysitters were available. It was difficult to balance my needs with my children’s needs. I wanted them to know how much I loved them and that I would always be there for them, and I would not desert them.

It was also important to them to see their Mommy be happy. They had seen me be unhappy for way too long. They always looked forward to having a babysitter, so I wasn’t worried about them feeling abandoned by me when I got a babysitter for them. For them it was a fun distraction from the emotional storms that hung over our lives as a result of Tom’s behavior.

More Risk Taking and Feeling Loved
One particularly overwhelming weekend about four weeks after I had met Jeff, I called a babysitter and went over to Jeff’s apartment. I was scared to show up unannounced without an invitation. What if Jeff was busy and didn’t want to see me? It was a risk that I almost didn’t have the courage to take.

If my heart had not been so heavy with anxiety about all that was going on in my life, I am sure I would have talked myself out of going. I had been crying most of the day. All the wonderful feelings that Jeff had awakened in me, felt overshadowed by the events and emotional uncertainty that I was experiencing.

Jeff was at home and quite willing to give me the caring I needed in the strength and comfort of his arms. I was relieved to be able to surrender in Jeff’s comforting embrace and release some of the fears and hurts that had been building. I had cried earlier in the day by myself but had not found the relief I was now feeling with Jeff holding me. It was as if he absorbed my pain and transformed it. (Mars in Pisces)

It felt odd to be with someone who cared for me despite my weakness and vulnerability. In fact, it seemed as if Jeff was empowered in his caring for me. He was the safe space I needed to feel my feelings. His ability to care for me when I was hurting so much, allowed me the courage to deal with my feelings.

I knew that there were not many men who could do what he was doing without having his masculinity threatened. Jeff seemed stronger, more powerful as a man than I had ever seen him. A few years later, I would come to understand how this worked for Jeff as a Mars in Pisces when I began my astrological studies.

I was so impressed with how easily Jeff could care for me; I later wrote in my journal about the experience. I postulated that this was preparing me for my next more permanent relationship. Jeff had shown me what was possible in a caring relationship, and now I knew for sure it did exist. I knew I would never be able to settle for less.

More on Being a Short-Term Realtionship
I still didn’t think Jeff and I would be in a long-term relationship. I reminded myself that Jeff could not share with me, like Gary Wolf could, about spiritual matters. Gary and I had similar experiences and knowledge. I noted that experience creates a connection and adds a dimension that can’t be duplicated with a person who hasn’t shared it.

No matter how compassionate, understanding and accepting the person is, there is still a gap that only the experience can fill. My mind was still telling me that my relationship with Jeff would inevitably come to an end, primarily from my side for these reasons.

Jeff wanted children of his own and I had already done that part of my life. It seemed logical that we both had stumbling blocks to this ever being a long-term relationship. I concluded that it must be a learning experience for me, preparing me for my next relationship. Jeff must be my “transitional man.”

Jeff was empowering my feminine reality. This was a new experience for me. I had always created situations before, where I could doubt my woman self. Jeff was very clear in his appreciation of my gender.

This was a new experience for me and another gift I was receiving. Carolyn had been torn down and was now being rebuilt. The lesson seemed to be delivered by way of contrast. Once everything was gone, the old life, the old images of life, the old beliefs about myself, I had nothing left to hold me back.

I was in a position to create something that I could appreciate in stark contrast to the nothingness I had believed was me and the pain that had been created in my heart. I understood this was the unfoldment of life through the layers of understanding that I was beginning to comprehend, through the experience of the full range of feelings that ran from extreme to extreme. My understanding was growing. My emotions were hurrying to catch up.

Special Days with my Children
During the last week of April, I spent a special day with Jenna and a special day with Ian (both age 4). I wanted to do more for them than day to day Mom stuff, but emotionally I had been through so much I felt I didn’t have much to give. I had spent so much time with them for so many years and now I was working and worrying and trying to begin my new life. They seemed to understand, and it seemed they were handling all the events with greater ease than I was.

So, I found a way to spend one-on-one time with them on my days off from work during the week. I took Jenna first. She went with me to the Airport to pick up Gary Wolf. She adored him. Of course, the fact that he gave her his bag of peanuts from the airplane didn’t hurt. After we dropped Gary off, she told me that she loved Gary so much she wished he was her Daddy, then she could call him Daddy and he might answer “whaty.” She was “little miss bubbly and talkative” that day. We had a great time together.

The next day I took Ian with me for a special day together. We did some shopping and mowed the lawn together. Ian and I were reading stories in the afternoon. The next thing I know I am hearing the phone ringing and I hear Ian calling out, “coming.” He answered the phone in the other room.

I was beginning to realize that I had been sound asleep. Just then Ian returned to inform me Pam (my neighbor) had called and she wanted me to call her back.

My four-year-old boy was so grown up. I wondered what he had been doing while I was sleeping. Apparently, he had entertained himself with toys and books. I guess he knew how exhausted his mother was.

Ian had been extra attentive to me lately, giving me extra big hugs, which for a cool, aloof, young man who hated kisses and only tolerated hugs was a big deal to me. Ian was saying a lot with those hugs. It was as if he wanted to reassure me that everything was okay.

I also noticed that he had seemed less melancholy in his behavior. He told me on our day together that he was in love with Teri (the babysitter’s 5-year-old daughter.) I had learned from Pat earlier about Ian and Teri’s “buddying” around together. She also told me Jenna was “in love” with Blake Potter, something Jenna would not admit too.

At this time Ryan wasn’t quite 7 years old yet (July 4 birthday) and he was spending his weekdays in first grade. I felt it was important to also have one on one time with him. So, one day I picked Ryan up from first grade before getting the twins from Pat’s house so we could have some special time together.

Pat’s childcare business was to watch children not yet in school or after school was out. She usually picked up Ryan after school and then I picked up all three of them when I got off work. Pat was a fun, loving Mom herself and I was so grateful I had such a safe place for my children to be when I was at work.

When I got Ryan from school and we were walking to the mini-van he suddenly asked me: “Mom, when you get remarried (as if that was a given and he didn’t even know about Jeff yet) you will have a different last name than me and how will the school know you are my Mom?”

I was impressed and surprised that he was having these thoughts and that he was sharing that he knew I would remarry and his only concern about that would be having a different last name than he did.

I assured him, if and when that happened, we would figure out a solution that would work for all my children. (Interestingly, that solution was registering them at school as Brent-Van Cleve but of course that didn’t happened for nearly another year.)

In first grade, Ryan received weekly conduct reports. Prior to Tom moving out of the house those reports were okay to not quite so okay. After Tom moved out Ryan began to bring home “excellent” in all the categories.

All three children seemed to be happier. It was another sign to me that deciding to go through with the divorce from Tom and getting him to move out of the house, was what was best for me and for them!

So here is a wrap up of this part of the story is:
The divorce from Tom was final on June 29, 1989 (just three months after Jeff and I met). I moved out of our house into a three bedroom apartment and Tom moved back into our house.  Jeff and I were still seeing each other and very much in love. I found out I was pregnant with Jeremy in early September, a couple of weeks after the condom broke in August. A whole other fascinating story about the gift this was for both of us.

Jeff and I moved into the Ellison House in November, and we got married in Hawaii on Kaui February 4, 1990. The whole family was there.

Jeremy was born on May 26, 1990. Ryan, Ian and Jenna thanked me many times for having Jeremy. They adored him so much. It was a happy ending for this chapter of life.

Of course there are additional chapters that happened over many more years, but for now suffice it to say the next several years we were a happy, loving, fun family.

First photo below was taken Christmas day 1992.
Second photo was in 1995
and the last photo was in 1999.