The Shadow and the Light

The current Underworld Venus of 2022 is from September 9 to December 1.
I have been keeping a personal Venus Journal since November 4, 2010 when I started my age 56 Venus Return. The cycle lasts about a year and a half so even though I didn’t turn 56 until March of 2012, I journaled around each Venus Moon Gate. The  journal was one for me to ceremonially connect to each phase of the Venus cycle as it happens. You can access all my Underworld Writings HERE. Everytime I reread them I am amazed at how insightful and powerful they are.

Most of my journal entries were around each Venus gate before she entered the underworld,  while she was in the underworld and all the gates as she became evening star and ascended from the underworld, though sometimes I experienced insights or aha’s that weren’t connected to a Venus Gate or other special Venus Timing but I felt they were related to the cycle so I tracked those as well.

During the Venus gates I wrote about images and symbols that were inspiring me. I let them BE without too much analysis though I imagine weaving the entire Venus journey together into a deeper understanding of what it is about for me personally will hopefully happen before my next Venus return begins in 2026. Re-reading some of the entries I can continue to see synchronicities that I hadn’t seen before.

July 30, 2011 Venus Underworld Experience 

Me writing in my Journal during the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse sitting on the edge. One of my favorite places…

As I write this Venus is conjunct the Moon and very close to the Sun during a Leo New Moon (July 30, 2011). The thing to know about Venus in her underworld phase is she is actually traveling with the Sun. The transformative light of the Sun is illuminating the shadow places where we may be in judgment of ourselves.

On the morning of the Leo New Moon conjunct Venus I woke up to a rampage of judgmental thoughts criticizing me for a host of things including my father’s voice of ‘you are lazy, good for nothing and will never amount to anything’ because of course I could be doing better at taking care of myself now.

I could be working harder at furthering what I do in the world and what about all those incomplete projects and a host of other thoughts about generally just not being good enough. My inner critic was relentlessly doing its job of reminding me of where I feel most inadequate.

Interestingly in a moment of clarity that came from some unknown deep inner place, I just said “Enough, stop, no more! I am not listening to this now.”  (or ever…I hope) And I think my inner critic or judge was so surprised the run-away critical thought train stopped immediately. I was simultaneously surprised and thrilled. It was so easy to stop it that I am still in awe.

When I journaled about it later I realized this was a significant experience in my underworld journey facing a part of myself that is ready to transform. An image of the inner critic, or judge, appeared in my mind’s eye, and I saw that aspect of myself stepping into an unknown void or shamanic death process. I could see the swirling colors of what seemed like atoms and molecules rearranging themselves into a gentler, kinder expression.

In a way it feels similar to the meditation practices that describe letting go of everything – including what we judge in ourselves and others. It was a flash point in my personal timeline where I stopped trying to fix me and accepted myself exactly as I WAS creating a BIG assemblage point shift.

Suddenly I was in a space of not trying to figure it out, not working at it, not pushing that stone up the hill, and definitely not fixing it or fixating on it. This created huge relief through a moment of genuine surrender as I released all the shoulds and should nots and embraced what WAS right then and there. .

This experience confirms for me that compassion for ourselves and asking the inner critic to give it a rest is one of the greatest acts of self-love we can do for ourselves. To be truly willing to surrender the self-judgment that says we are less than, deficient, inadequate, unimportant, and not good enough is a key to transforming this shadow aspect.

Update mid-August of 2011
Since that time my Inner Critic has spoken up again though now I am taking time to curiously watch the process, and hear what that part has to say to me. When I feel I have had enough or that I got the message,  I am able to say “stop” and turn my thinking to more supportive thoughts.

I am sure this will be an on-going process as Venus is in the underworld every 19 months so it will be interesting to keep track of how this unfolds. Meanwhile this experience was a miracle (see article on Miracles) and I will post updates on how it goes.